I noticed today that its been quite a while since I vented or complained or just babbled on here.

I’m almost done with this pregnancy. Going through counseling with my husband has been helping both of our stress. He has a little more to deal with than I do considering he works a lot and I only get in a few hours a week. He has to deal with a family counseler and lawyer to try to see his oldest again now that her mother is encouraging her to act like a spoiled brat. But that’s a whole other story. I’m focusing on me, myself, and my 2 girls.

In about a month I will have a newborn in my presence at all times as well as my 2.5 year old. We’ve been working on how to have my oldest help with the new baby and it seems like it will go better than I originally thought. I have my doula on call, hospital bag packed and a baby shower Saturday. Its a testament to the lack of adult friends I have that only 4 or 5 of the 20 people invited will be coming to the baby shower. But there’s reasons of course. Just makes me feel that much more lonely.

Anywho… its time for my brain and body to prepare for change. Which apparently means no sleeping, heightened allergies, headaches, braxton-hicks contractions anytime I move, and fun sharp pains under my ribs, on my cervix, and all over my back as my growing baby looks for room in my uterus. I’m losing my patience again. Feeling ill. Worried this time it wont be “practice” contractions and no one will be around to help with my oldest as I fall into my own head to let the process of labor take over me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited. Nervous but excited.

Today I took my 2 year old to the ER. Again. We went in at 2:30am Saturday morning because she was suddenly sick again. It had been a full week since she last threw up. She was having such a good week. She’s been sick for the better part of 3 months btw. So anyway… Saturday the doctor she saw looked into it more for us. He said it worried him that we kept coming in for the same symptoms for so long. He took xrays. They looked fine. So we all sat down and talked about the symptoms and frequency of them. He decided to have us make an appointment with her regular doctor and to get her started on Prevacid for acid reflux. Her symptoms have included spontaneous vomiting, diahrrea, coughing, a tunny nose, phlegm, mood swings (especially anger bouts), never wanting to sleep, tummy aches, a few fevers, and a complete lack of appetite. She threw up again yesterday (Saturday) after saying she couldn’t eat dinner because her tummy hurt. Then we cleaned her up and she seemed good again. I watched her over night to see what else might happen and she slept from 7:30pm to 6:05am post time change. When she woke up she seemed extremely out of it. Very confused but very energized. We watched some cartoons while laying on the couch. She fell asleep again for about half an hour. She woke up smiling at my mom and the spontaneous vomit started mid smile. I calmed her down and realized she has also soiled her diaper. I went to change it and realized the way the diahrrea looks could be a symptom all its own. It was white and gritty. I kept the diaper in a ziplock and called our hospitals nurse advice line. Hoping I was over reacting. The nurse said to bring her back in right away because her symptoms were getting worse. So I did. She had taken her prevacid and kept it down. But on our way from the car to the RR doors she spontaneously vomited all over herself. I almost started crying with her. This doctor took blood to test for leukemia, lymes disease, diabetes and others. They also asked us to take 4 separate stool samples as soon as we can from her so they can test it for bacterias not usually present. On our way back out to the car to go home she started dry heaving again. All the blood tests came back normal. Her blood sugar was low due to not eating yet. So we woke her from a nap and gave her apple juice as advised. She was instantly looking better. She sat on the couch, ate some crackers, drank some juice and watched cartoons. Her dad came home early from out of town to check on her and she didn’t try to jump up to him like she normally would, which told me she wasn’t completely great yet. As of right now she has vomited again. She has eaten some. And is napping now. We have a doctors appointment Tuesday morning. I’m praying we can figure this out for her soon. My husband, mom, dad and I have decided to stop using our well water in foods or drinks for her, plus the diet restrictions for the acid reflux will hopefully help also. I’m keeping a journal of her days now to bring into the doctor. The worst feeling in the world is not being able to help your child when they seem so ill.

This was taken just hours before Carinna got sick again.

I spent the entire day yesterday with my daughter. It was wonderful. We went to McDonalds and she found some friends from school in the playplace. Then we went to the store. Once we got home we played a lot! We danced, sang, played blocks and babies, we cleaned up and then made dinner. She seemed so sleepy but since it was Saturday I let her stay up a little later. She didn’t go to sleep until 10pm. I was way more tired than she was. I think she was waiting on her dad to get home. I thought she’d sleep in today. Nope. Wrong. She got up earlier than normal. But hey… its Sunday. We’ll play like yesterday and look for more playdates at our next playgroup. I’m definitely glad I found a playgroup. I think she is too. Today they are sledding at the hill in town. Gonna try to get her there. She’s never been sledding yet. But daddy will have to go too because I am far too pregnant to sled. It’s been really nice feeling more like a family since we’ve moved here. It’s been great being more social too. The moms I’ve met already are very friendly. I’m excited to see what happens this summer.

I am getting more and more excited for meeting my 2nd, and most likely last, child in a couple months. Weeks are really flying by at this point. Which means that a slight panic is setting in. I still need to get our bedroom situated, get the baby shower done, get a breast pump, put the carseat in a vehicle, get diapers and whatever else is still needed, and hope we’re anywhere near ready to be in labor when it hits. I’ve also been dealing with the possibility of mold in one of my daughters bedroom walls being what’s keeping her sick. We knew there was a little mold in there. Didn’t realize how bad it could be on our health. Especially hers since she sleeps next to it. My hubby and my dad are going to replace the sheetrock and clean up the mold inside the wall on Monday. I’ve already put an air purifier in there with a filter for mold. I hope she gets better soon. Waiting on a new baby and working on things with the current toddler are a bit harder in this trimester. I can’t see my legs or feet much. Its hard to avoid tripping on things (or nothing) and lifting my legs over things is fun too. Going grocery shopping is hard even if I go alone now. But it won’t get easier once the kid is out. Oh no. It’ll be even more difficult then. I’ll have 2 kids that don’t want me to be doing whatever it is I am doing and they will each be screaming for different reasons. Its weird how I can relate to single parents more than coupled parents. A lot of alone time with the kids. A quote I love is, “If your kids haven’t annoyed the hell out of you, you aren’t spending enough time with them.”

I have been looking into how I would ideally like this birth to go. I’ve been reading, watching videos, checking sources, talking to my doula and recently I looked at a birth center where mnidwives would be there for my birth to help it be as natural and comfortable as possible. However, as I feared, the all natural home birth, water birth or home-like birth with the midwives is not covered by my insurance and at the point in our lives that we’re at financially I can’t come up with the money they want in the 4 weeks they want it by. I really liked that center. It was in an old style home with 3 large bedrooms upstairs with huge tubs and large beds and that home feel. The women were so understanding of how I was feeling and what concerns I had about not wanting interventions. I will just have to settle with having to continue to tell the nurses and doctors at the hospital to quit walking in and out of the room as they see fit and I will have to make the best of what resources I have while laboring in the hospital. I will still have my doula. I have already signed a refusal for an IV. I can and will bring my own comfy clothes and slippers to wear. I will be talking to my doctor about eating some and things to drink while laboring. I will use the tub, exercise ball and other items the hospital has as much as I want. They will also probably get impatient and pushy. They usually do. And they will try to rush my laboring. Not happening. They put undue stress on my daughter last time and caused us to have a c-section. Not this time. I’m the mom. I’m in labor. Its my body and my baby and this will take as long as it takes. Period.

I’m to ‘that’ point in the pregnancy. Time is going very fast if I look back to all the time I spent bent over the toilet puking, dehydrated and in the hospital in the beginning of the pregnancy and how far away that feels now. But its still going very slow in moving forward. I feel like 8 weeks is taking forever. I know I need this time to get over my cold, continue getting my 2 year old ready for a little baby to be around constantly, get the room set up, have the baby shower and finish my birth plan. But it still feels like I have more than enough time. I want to have the baby shower sooner than later because I want to know that Danika won’t decide to come on the showers date. And I want to have things ready for when I do go into labor. I didn’t have time to pack a bag and be sure I had what I needed last time. Labor came on so quickly that I didn’t think I had 10 minutes just to get to the hospital. This time I want to be much more prepared. I want the bags ready, camera charged, birth plan in place and my doula by my side. I can’t wait for summer to be here and the nice weather to be inviting me to sit outside with both of my daughters playing in the grass and seeing sights they haven’t seen before. But I’m also thinking summer will hold off longer this year. Makes me sad but in the northern mid west winter has been scarce so far. We’re getting more rain and slop soon but the snow is missing from our yards for the most part. I know I need to take things one day at a time and appreciate where I’m at now since sleeping will be even harder in a couple months. I am just very bored with my life right this moment. I’m alone a lot. Even my 2 year old doesn’t care if I play or not she ignores me either way. I don’t work very much because I’m not needed there much. I haven’t made any friends in this new town yet. Friends live too far to visit frequently. Ah… I know. I’ll breathe and relax and slow down for now. I just gotta be patient. This boredom will quickly turn to chaos soon enough.

I think I’m waring myself too thin. I put my 2 year old in daycare to give her time to make friends, socialize and learn along the way, plus it gave me time for myself. But not long after she started there I started working again. I’ve always loved sleeping. I love naps and sleeping through the night. Being pregnant hasn’t changed that one bit. Its made it more difficult to get to sleep, stay asleep and be comfortable. Working on the only days she’s in school has made it quite impossible to nap. So… I think I am just getting too tired. My mood swings are worse than before. And I can’t focus on things I should be doing during the day. This is only going to get worse. How am I supposed to handle having a 2 year old and a newborn at the same time? I think I need to request a friend to come stay with me for a week or so after the baby comes. I may go insane. A lot of women can do this, and I know I’ll make it through but I’m not as calm, patient or strong as those women most likely are.

I found out this morning that the cysts on my daughters brain are resolved! They said the chances were good that they would disappear, but as a mom it’s hard to not wonder and worry about the what-ifs. I did my best for 10 long weeks not to think about it. I was very excited to just be able to see my 2nd daughter again before she is out in the world with us, but it was also nice to know she’s doing great too.

I still have worries and wonder about all sorts of things but the main concern is just having what we need when she decides to come. We have the carseat, clothes, crib, some blankets, some pacifiers, some bottles, and a diaper bag. The baby shower is set for the end of March. I have registries and am more than happy with whatever we get. But I want a glider rocking chair to rock my girls in and read to them in. I want area rugs to make the pacing easier on my feet. I want 2 swings. I plan to find a tandum stroller for the summer also. But most of those are wants, not needs. I just hope this one nurses well so I don’t have to worry about formula.

So all in all, my emotions are starting to relax. The hormones are still all over the place, so are the mood swings. But at least I worry about fewer things and its easier to sleep at night. I plan to continue to talk with Abby, my doula, and plan for the best in delivery. I’m crossing my fingers and am more excited than ever.